McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.