McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!