McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

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Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose


Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.


dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it


I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.


Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.


vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish


Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!


Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?


my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me


Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.