@UnethicalGnius

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

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@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@scott_towel

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

@KyloR3n

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

@PatsATweetin

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish

@TheAlexNevil

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

@pixelatedboat

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

@dril

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

@StranDadAbroad

Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.