@Parkerlawyer

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

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@ObscureGent

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

@bourgeoisalien

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

@my_minivan_life

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

@TwinSurvivalist

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

@jimmytorosian

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

@ClichedOut

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@michael_raphone

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

@TweetsByKaylee

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

@mydmac

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.