McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to