[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.
And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.