[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now