[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
You Might Also Like
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.