They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
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thread of this specific and very funny sense of humor:
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)