@Ygrene

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

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@JoParkerBear

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

@Discourt

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

@treydayway

I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.

@whosnutstoo

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

@Godhatespants

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

@donni

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

@TheToddWilliams

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

@AimeeHelene1

“Follow me!”

Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!

(Me at an exercise class)