[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche


Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.


Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh


Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.


Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.


Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.


DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?


Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)


“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”


Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent