[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
The Assassin.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”