CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
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So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
They say women only use 10% of their anger
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
greetings!
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen