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My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.


This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️


I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide


the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words


A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”


No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”


Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party

Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets


Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂


We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?


Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.