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@batkaren

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

@Gupton68

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

@behindyourback

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

@dubiousgenius

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

@OtherDanOBrien

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

@BberrySurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@Jake_Vig

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.