So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet