[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive