McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
good work, everybody
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”