this is so accurate
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
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ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They’re asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.