I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
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I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?