Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MadGamer79

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

@andylassner

I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.

@lilgapeach30

I wouldn’t say I never exercise. Occasionally, my nose runs.

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

@flashember

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

@Mardigroan

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

@fro_vo

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

@MissHavisham

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

@Aikiwomannc

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.