Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
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I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.
I wouldn’t say I never exercise. Occasionally, my nose runs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new
Pfff….poetry is easy
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof
no more questions
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.