Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.