@lazerdoov

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

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@ThugRaccoons

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

@chuuew

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

@garrettbarry70

There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

@jwoodham

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

@MomofTeen

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

@WhiskeySoured

To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.

@qwajo_jnr

You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem

@MarfSalvador

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’