Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
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I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Raisins are grape jerky.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail