McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

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Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields


Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks


Ok a scotch “grande”


My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.

The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.


Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.


It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.


People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”


How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out
“Oh come on. Even I’ve done THAT!”


Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food


Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit


Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.