@TheTweetOfGod

McDonald’s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.

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@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

@SteveInevitable

While texting a girl she told me “I’m board” so I stopped seeing her. I wasn’t offended. I just don’t date wood. Or people who can’t spell.

@paul_lander

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

@Ygrene

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

@dumbbeezie

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

@OctopusCavemann

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@TheBoydP

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

@JessObsess

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

@JohnLyonTweets

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

@piques15

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead