[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Just as the prophecy foretold
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.