@Chumpstring

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

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@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

@LackOfShame

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

@fillthevacuum

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

@liv_thatsme

FIRST DATE

Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.

@ThaJawn

*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?

@ChrisRGun

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

@iLikeCatShirts

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

@LoveNLunchmeat

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

@MJMcKean

I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.