CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else

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Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.


How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?


*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*



Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.


*buying a new phone* How many mega pickles does the camera have?


I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.


Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.


People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…


I hope this Shakespeare guy is enjoying his fifteen minutes of fame.