McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park