McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
You Might Also Like
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Every. Damn. Time.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
The smoothest fall of all time
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School