comfortable: *slaps hand away*
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
You Might Also Like
I’m leaving my body to science but only if they can find it.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me
employee: i recommend a medium
me: ok do you know any good ones?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
it’s my dream interview at nasa. “how are ur programming skills” they ask. “out of this world” i nervously joke. the walls shake. the interviewer starts convulsing. several engineers run in and write math on me with sharpies. i begin to levitate
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I like to avoid confusion by making it weird from the beginning.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…