Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
You Might Also Like
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!