@ItMeIRL

me🚗irl

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@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@wickedsuga

Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.

@MichelleHux

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

@TheAlexNevil

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

@TheGladStork

I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, “Oh look. Horses.”

@Birdhumms

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

@beefman138

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.