[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Expect the unexporcupine.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
when dads have a rap battle
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I’m going to need a moment here.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?