It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
I only eat vegetarians.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?