Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

ㅤ

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

sin harder.

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

🤣😂🤣😂

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.