Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

When libraries troll their patrons.

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.