Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]
PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing
ME: My heart on my sleeve
PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark
ME: Oh no, you’re bad
PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink
ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.