I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
can I use a minion as a tampon
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.