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@Seanzkelly

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

@Home_Halfway

[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you’re bad

PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

@fro_vo

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

@markydoodoo

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

@rickygervais

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@AliciaATobin

There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.

@KentWGraham

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

@AmishPornStar1

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.