me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Relationship status: My hand told me it has a headache.