Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy?? me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you "reply to all" one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

@dorsalstream

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

@NeinQuarterly

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@ShoutingGoddess

I’ve done a few things I’ve been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.

@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

@JayCee302

I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..

:looks directly at the camera:

“About thyme”

@The_No_Show

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.

@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@RoosterMustache

*i sneeze*

Atheist: bless u

Me: ha! i caught u

Atheist: no its just like, an expression

Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god

@_elvishpresley_

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You Might Also Like