Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.


Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!


Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.


“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.


It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…


The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.


My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.


You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.


You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.


My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.