SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago