If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I’ve done a few things I’ve been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..
:looks directly at the camera:
“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Atheist: bless u
Me: ha! i caught u
Atheist: no its just like, an expression
Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong