@dadmann_walking

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

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@SirEviscerate

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

@SarcasticAlly12

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

@Phook75

Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.

@Scorpio1080

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

@TeeJayRush

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

@robfee

The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.

@Stap_Jr

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

@bazecraze

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

@Girliegurll

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.