@dadmann_walking

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

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@dorsalstream

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@ShoutingGoddess

I’ve done a few things I’ve been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.

@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

@JayCee302

I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..

:looks directly at the camera:

“About thyme”

@The_No_Show

“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” he screamed at his phone. Everyone else on the train hugged their phones a bit closer.

@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@RoosterMustache

*i sneeze*

Atheist: bless u

Me: ha! i caught u

Atheist: no its just like, an expression

Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god

@_elvishpresley_

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong