@SimplySnaccbar

me: 1985 was a great year

friend: you weren’t even born yet

me: exactly

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@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@AnkCoupleTO

If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

@murrman5

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

@causticbob

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

@FullMetalMommy

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.