@MissHavisham

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

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@Bandersnaaatch

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

@Gooooats

I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.

@WiseguyPictures

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

@psybermonkey

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

@CarrieMayhem

Turn ons include impeccable spelling, proper use of grammar, affinity for board games, love of superheroes, and a huge…

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@dumbbeezie

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

@Jason_Horton

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.