Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.