me: $20 on pump three

cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser

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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.


The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.


Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that’s cool. One time I didn’t run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.


This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM


If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?


When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think “wow, whoever sat here was very thin”.


Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet


guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog


No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body


Go ahead, try and use the word “panache” in a non-douchey way. You can’t.