@daemonic3

me: $20 on pump three

cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser

You Might Also Like

@thepunningman

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

@PoshTick

mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison

@Griffinreborn

In 2009 we lost Michael Jackson. Now we lost Neil Armstrong. We are running out of moon walkers

@LMHPhotog

paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car

@rickkondell

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work