This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
me: $20 on pump three
cashier: that’s the cheese dispenser
You Might Also Like
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that’s cool. One time I didn’t run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder.
This guy’s shirt said ‘blink if you want me’ and now my eyes are watering and I need to close them but ohmygod you guys I DO NOT WANT HIM
If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?
When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think “wow, whoever sat here was very thin”.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Go ahead, try and use the word “panache” in a non-douchey way. You can’t.