No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Lol
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Whoa 😂
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!