Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?