Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.