Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.


Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.


Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol


waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared


News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.


Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me


1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.

He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”

So are the days of our lives.


It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.


Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown