@MissHavisham

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

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@Gupton68

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

@ItsMeHelenMary

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

@PeteBlackburn

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

@liv_thatsme

(Boyfriend reaches for an old Target bag to line the trash can)

Me: NOT THE NICE TRASH BAGS

@didifalldown

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

@Spaziotwat

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

@ScottLinnen

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

@ThatRascalPuff

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?