I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
News is reporting a nun just had a baby. It’s official, a nun is getting more action than me.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
I’m giving up eating food off the floor for Lent
1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy.
He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, “Fried chicken!”
So are the days of our lives.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown