Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If only.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker