Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.