ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
i wish i could marry a nap
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.