@KeetPotato

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

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@Phook75

If love at first sight was really a thing, I would’ve been married to Cheetara from Thundercats

@BeamishBoi

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

@OneFunnyMummy

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

@clarkekant

Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?

@Sarcasticsapien

People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@KimmyMonte

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

@fart

the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off

@LackOfShame

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

@KeetPotato

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over