me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time