If love at first sight was really a thing, I would’ve been married to Cheetara from Thundercats
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?
People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
the bad guy ships on star trek werent actually “cloaking” they just turned all their lights off
*illegally downloads a social life*
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over