Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Beware of the “party goblin”…
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this