ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself

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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or


It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”


HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*


Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

3-year-old: A monster truck.

I don’t think insurance is going to cover that surgery.


Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.


According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.


throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both


Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.



Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son



[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*