Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
This is amazing.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
When ur friends with white people
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
this is funnier than any friends episode