Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI