Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.

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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days


It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…


[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”


Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for


The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.


surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke


Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested


Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan