My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
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I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there