I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.
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It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
5 ways to appear taller
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Darth Vader: Luke
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan