@CyborgHanky

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

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@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

@SteveKoehler22

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

@Shock_Monster

It’s been clinically proven that the most effective form of birth control I can use is: “Just be myself.”

@jergarl

I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap my fingers to a clever song about friendship.

@sportswithjohn

Commentator just said that the rain “may just be the tears of a heartbroken nation,” which shows a fundamental misunderstanding of rain.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want

@Just__J0

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.