I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
What even happened today?
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
A drum solo but on your face.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.