ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end