@ch000ch

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

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@copymama

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

@BorowitzReport

Romney: “I have nothing but respect for women. I’m good friends with the owners of some.”

@vikkaroni

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

@TheIronSherk

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

@DanRather

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

@MadlyAmanda

Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.

@ShortSleeveSuit

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

@sixfootcandy

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*