ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
We’ve all been there…
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
My life in a nutshell
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.