People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
As the Lord intended
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER