her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet
GOD: look what I created [points to clouds]
ANGEL: what am I lookin at?
GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It’s up to you!
ANGEL: are you high?
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
fa: thimble of soda
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of