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@Skoog

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

@_ElvishPresley_

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

@markedly

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

@Brianhopecomedy

You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.

Anyways, the baby’s ok.

@JediGigi

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

@Contwixt

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

@AristotlesNZ

Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I’m on the toilet

@Jeff_G_Nixon

GOD: look what I created [points to clouds]
ANGEL: what am I lookin at?
GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It’s up to you!
ANGEL: are you high?

@prufrockluvsong

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

@bridger_w

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of