Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Yes

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

A Short Story.

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win