Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
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How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015