When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣