@PeachesMcPeach I don’t date married men.
I mean I wouldn’t call it dating…
@KalvinMacleod ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
You Might Also Like
@PeachesMcPeach 
@Gupton68 Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.
@MomofTeen My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
@shhhitsokaynow I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.
But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
@samdunsiger Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
@WheelTod To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
@DothTheDoth Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
@MUMSIEesq If my 3YO’s fortune was “you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs,” this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate
@findmydolls It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
@EliBraden “So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz