@KalvinMacleod

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

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@Gupton68

Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.

@shhhitsokaynow

I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

@samdunsiger

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

@WheelTod

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

@MUMSIEesq

If my 3YO’s fortune was “you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs,” this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate

@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@EliBraden

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz