INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned