I don’t date married men.
I mean I wouldn’t call it dating…
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.
But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
If my 3YO’s fortune was “you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs,” this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz