ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.