Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

Always the vampires

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

🐟✨ #re4

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

🤣😂

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]