Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”