@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

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@murrman5

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

@AbbieEvansXO

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

@TheHyyyype

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

@i_Lean

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.