Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.


FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.


[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho


Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*


If you feel like you’re going through a rough patch, just remember that it only lasts through adulthood.


Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.


Overheard greasy spoon cafe wisdom:

“You don’t wash your hands. You stand and watch your hands wash each other.”

Think on.


I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.


I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.